Wild World
by MookieRoo
Summary: "Sometimes I hold a hand to my chest and press as hard as I can to keep my heart from breaking." / CORI / Two shot
1. Cat

**Disclaimer: Victorious and it's characters don't belong to me.**

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Sometimes I hold a hand to my chest and press as hard as I can to keep my heart from breaking.

My tears roll down my cheeks, they even make a sound as they hit my shirt while I hold my cry inside my throat, trying not to wake her up.

She is on the other room, probably way too far to listen to my sobs. Still, I don't want her to know I'm crying, I don't want her to feel bad, like she is destroying me, even if she is. I love her that much; I don't want that weight on her shoulders.

I don't know how it happened or why. It all seemed as a dream not so long ago. Maybe I was blind, perhaps I couldn't see, I certainly don't know where I failed… it's all a mystery to me.

She came one night after work. I was in my studio, a small, but very open space in the back of the apartment. It used to be the service room, until I decided to hire a man to tear down the walls and built windows instead. Now natural light fills the whole place, its perfect for my craft, my favorite hobby… painting.

I have my canvases up, three at a time. When I'm happy I continue my colorful landscape, a sunrise, mountains, a big blue sky. When I'm confused I draw rectangles, squares and circles to help me concentrate and relax, I usually use plain, basic colors like yellow, red, black, blue —just a little, but sometimes… blue— and lots of white…

When I'm angry, I paint my Jackson Pollock style artwork and toss paint all around. Jade loves those, she has stolen a couple for her house, and when I'm sad… I just don't paint.

I haven't done it since that day, when she got home and found me there, retouching that one cloud I decided to set on the happiness canvas.

"Cat, we need to talk," she said, so serious that I left my brush and all my colors at the nearest table and cleaned my hands on that old shirt that I wear exclusively for that activity.

"What's wrong? Did something happen at work? Are you okay?" I was puzzled with her face, it was so cold, so unnatural for her, angry, sad, I don't know… just strange.

"Please, clean yourself up and meet me at the living room in ten minutes," she voiced without even looking at me, and then she left.

I hurried, I went to our room, right into the bathroom, washed my hands, my face —which had some splattered paint in it— and changed my shirt to a comfortable sweater.

I went straight to the couch, she was sitting in the large one, on one side, I decided to join her there, on the other.

"Tori, you are scaring me. What happened?"

She sighed and stayed quiet. It was as if the words couldn't find their way out of her mouth, as if whatever she was feeling, refused to be spoken.

"Did anything bad happen with the album? The record label?" I asked, trying to get closer to her, but she backed away, an inch or two, and I stopped in that moment, stopped everything in fact, even breathing.

I had no Idea what was about to happen, I had no clue.

"Cat, I think we…" she paused, closed her eyes, regretted her silence and sighed again. "I've been thinking for a while… I just… I don't feel so good about us anymore."

Call me dumb, but I couldn't connect the dots, not yet. I didn't understand her. "What's bothering you? Is it the apartment? Because we can look for a bigger place," I suggested. Many times she complained that she wasn't able to find room for her things.

"No, it's not that… the place is fine. I'm talking about us."

"What about us? Is it the bed?"

I swear, call me dumb. I still believed it could've been a thing. She hated that the old wood of our bed made noises when we moved on it. She could barely sleep if I had a bad night and tossed and turned.

"No, Cat! Is not the bed, or the flickery lamp, or the washed out rug, nor the broken refrigerator, none of that!" She was so upset I didn't interrupt her anymore. "It's you and me, it's us!"

She exploded with so much anger and frustration wrapped up in those words. She breathed out, heavily.

I got so nervous, what did I do? I must have done something! She couldn't be so mad without a reason.

"I think we should get a divorce…"

Those words hurt so much, so deep in my chest, so superficial in my skin, tearing it up.

Divorce…

We've been married for three years. She asked me when we were twenty-three, right after our second anniversary, and… until that point, I could've sworn that we were happy.

"Aren't you going to say something?" She asked, but what could I have said? The woman I was head over heels for, the one that occupied all my happy memories, wanted nothing to do with me.

She needed me so far away from her, she was putting an end point in our relationship… no looking back, no therapy to figure out our problems and fix them, no opportunities once so ever. We were done; it was over.

Really, what could I have said?

I started counting my breaths —it's an old technique from acting class—, you have to concentrate in other things to keep yourself from crying. I didn't want to do it in front of her. I kept my eyes busy with the objects around me, trying not to focus on pictures that could bring memories to my mind. I squeezed my hands and when I reached sixty-seconds, I got up and went to the kitchen for a glass of water.

After swallowing that last gulp of it, I looked over the couch. She was still there, waiting for me to come back, but I knew… I wasn't going to change her mind.

I walked out of there and headed to our bedroom in a hurry. I pulled a suitcase from the closet and started to fold my clothes into it. Some minutes later, I saw her leaning into the door frame, asking me what was I doing.

"I'll come back tomorrow for the rest of my stuff, I'll go to Jade's tonight."

"You don't have to do that, Cat" she said, "I'll stay for a couple of weeks in the guest room, until we sign the papers, then I'll move out."

She had everything planned, which made me question since when exactly she's been thinking of this. More hurt came rushing through my skin, straight to my heart.

"I shouldn't stay here. I'll call Jade…"

"Don't! Rest tonight, you can tell her tomorrow," Tori asked, maybe she didn't want to deal with her bad mood, because I'm sure Jade will be mad when I tell her. "Please, let's make this easy. There is no need for more drama."

I agreed, there was no reason to complicate things anymore than what they already were.

It's been eight days since then. We live under the same roof, yet we barely see each other anymore, we don't even talk if we meet in the hallway. It's been a long, quiet week.

I run to the bathroom for a third time tonight. I turn my stomach into the toilet. I don't know why do they call it morning sickness when you feel bad all day long.

A couple of days ago, I was informed I'm pregnant. Maybe this is why it hurts so much, she doesn't remember.

About a year and a half ago we got excited with the idea of having kids. We talked about it a lot. We understood that, to be able to bring a little one to the world, we needed to be stable in our careers and have plans for the future. It was decided then, that we would wait for a bit and during that time we would look for a fertility doctor.

Tori wanted so much to be the one to get pregnant; it had been a dream of hers since forever. She used to tell me that the whole idea seemed like such a spiritual journey, she needed to experience it herself. There was no discussion; she would be the one to bring our babies to life.

We started treatment and tried with insemination in three different occasions, but it didn't work, the pregnancy never took.

After a few tests, waiting, some more tests and waiting again, Dr. Joe confirmed that she was infertile; her uterus would never be able to carry a child to term.

It was a huge hit on her soul. She got depressed and was withdrawn from everyone and everything for months. Her sadness carried through the whole house, but I tried so hard to take her out of that state of mind.

Some five months ago she started to feel better, to open up and be the old, happy Tori again. We even discussed the possibility of having me carry our child.

Since the clinic was so busy, the appointment for the insemination was schedule four months after the day we spoke with the doctor again. Until then, I had to follow a strict diet and take hormones to facilitate the process.

Tori was in New York when the date arrived, she was recording some tracks for her album and I went to the appointment alone. The day before I mentioned to her that I was very nervous and I wished she was with me. She said:

"The doctor doesn't bite. Don't worry, you'll be fine."

I guess now I understand, she didn't remember then, she didn't know which doctor I was about to see. She was so focused on her job, on everything else, that it escaped her memory. Maybe by then she already felt disconnected to me, probably she already had spoken with her lawyer about the divorce… who knows.

It hurts…

How? How do you forget something as big as this?

I feel so alone, even if I'm literally not. I have a child inside me that will only have one mom, because the other… she is not that anymore. I don't know what she is, but Tori is no longer my wife, even if we still have to sign some papers… we are over… we are no longer a family. This child is mine and mine alone.

I brush my teeth and I go back to bed, hoping that she didn't hear me.

I'm calling Jade tomorrow and getting out of here as soon as I can. My heart hurts, my eyes are so puffed, I feel defeated, torn and I don't want my baby to grow with those feelings.

This is no longer my home… our home. I have to start over, I have to move on, because I can't throw myself under a bus, I have a tiny person to think about, and right now… it only hurts.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

This is a small fic, it will have two chapters total. I'll post the conclusion next week.

The name comes from a great song called _Wild World_ by _Cat Stevens_ , a song that I've been fixated with, lately. The song speaks about separation and the acceptance that, sometimes, even if you love someone, you must let them go.

Until next week, bye!


	2. Tori

**Disclaimer: Victorious and it's characters don't belong to me.**

* * *

I heard her crying at night, every single one that week. Cat looked so helpless during those last days that I felt like a monster, she was so hurt, so sad. I think that's why I wasn't surprised when, one afternoon, she was gone.

I got home from work, I had the last recording session to make the arrangements that the label required for the release of my record. It was around 6 PM and I was so tired, I just wanted to eat something and go to bed.

I turned the key unlocking the door and, as I took one step inside, reality hit.

Half of the apartment was gone with her; her paintings, every single one, the walls looked so naked for the lack of them; her clothes left a void in the closet, on the drawers; the bathroom no longer smelled of her perfume, the pink bottles of her strawberry shampoo and conditioner were missing; and her studio echoed with every step.

The only thing left was her dirty painting T-shirt, abandoned in the middle of the floor, it probably fell off from a box or something.

That was the moment I felt it, the pain of her absence, it was so palpable, so true; we were done.

I retraced my steps, understanding that there was no turning back, hoping desperately that it was a dream, or rather… a nightmare.

I sat on the couch, the same one where I told her my final decision and I noticed a note over the coffee table. She left instructions to contact her lawyer about any legal requirements of our separation; his name and number clearly printed on a personal card and by its side… her rings.

A white gold engraved engagement ring with a little diamond on top. I had no money for more back then, she loved it nonetheless. She was too exited and happy and she called everyone she knew, that same day, to let them know.

We were getting married, it was a really big deal. I'm sure it wasn't like that when we divorced.

The other ring was our wedding band. Identical to mine, sober, with our names engraved inside and the promise of forever… How ironic, I placed that ring on her finger the day of our marriage, hoping for a lifetime by her side, and I was the one that ended it all.

I cried that night… right there, looking at those symbols of our non-existent union. I couldn't even touch them. I lifted my legs up to my chin and cried, just looking at them, at my new world, void of her presence, of her color, of her soul.

Nothing can prepare you for a break up, not time, or separation, not the feeling that, if you stop this relationship, everything will finally feel okay again, nothing.

Breaking up it's an illusion, a temporary remedy, because what people don't realize is that the relationship isn't the one that's damaged, you are, your partner is, and the solution isn't walking away, but I didn't know that then. I was so broken, so bitter that I could only see the quick fix.

How is it that, your life can change so much overnight, be completely broken and never end up where you wanted it?

The day Dr. Joe gave us the news that I could never have our babies, was the worst day of my life. My dreams, my plans with Cat had all disappeared. The future looked so dark and I let myself be consumed by it.

Many would say —specially my family—: "don't worry, the good thing is that the two of you are women. Cat can have the babies or you guys could adopt."

Not that I didn't think that was a possibility, but how could I explain to them that my dream was giving birth to my own children; live through the experience of pregnancy firsthand. Nobody understood because, for them, it was just a thing to do, like going for french fries. "Oh, you can't do it? I'll bring them here for you!"

It is like a writer, for example, who always dreamed of publishing his best piece and be famous. In a minute, you cut off all of his fingers but one, and you tell him: "Well, everything is fine. You can type with one finger, can't you? You'll be a famous obituary writer or better yet, you can pressed the button on the printer."

How hopeful! How great!

Every word that was supposed to encourage me, killed me even more, it reminded me of how useless I was, how worthless I had become. I could never give Cat what she deserved, what we wanted so badly. I couldn't possibly be enough. I would always be behind and she deserved more.

One night I heard her crying as she cooked, I approached the kitchen door, but stayed out of sight. She was talking to herself, wondering what else to do to help me.

She came up with the most extraordinary ideas, and then, tossed them aside. They just weren't good enough. Perhaps she was the only person who knew that nothing she could say would really help me. She was desperate and I felt even worse.

I decided to lie to myself, expecting that being positive would make me happy at some point.

You know? You tell a lie a thousand times and by the 999th time you are already convinced it's true.

I gave my best performance and Cat began to feel that things were getting better. Some weeks passed by and she was calmer, more relaxed, but I continued sinking internally.

One night she asked me if I had thought about our family. If I'd considered what my parents suggested and have her inseminated instead of me.

The idea felt like a slap, I don't know why.

It was awful to know that she was my wife, Cat had as much value in our relationship as I did, and she could have our babies. But I was so torn, so disabled, as if I was a cripple, broken, a piece of garbage. I hated myself, therefore I couldn't love anyone, not even her or, at least, consider the thought of our future.

She insisted a couple of days later and I didn't want to make her feel bad, so I said we should check with the doctor and she made an appointment.

He ran some tests and told us that Cat, unlike me, had a good chance of completing the pregnancy. "Unfortunately" the clinic was full for the next few months, they would have to confirm the appointment weeks from then.

That worked perfectly for me. I didn't want to think about it anymore. I was hoping that my attitude would change and things could return back to normal before we heard from them. Perhaps then, I would feel on board with the idea, even happy.

It never happened. I grew angrier, I tried to pretend to be okay, but the slightest thing would set me off. If the lamp flickered, I would rant; if the bed made noises, I complained; if the rug seemed too old, I would voice my discomfort. Anything and everything would bother me to an extreme.

I reached a point where the only thing in my head was to walk away. I wanted peace, I needed to be alone, to find myself, because I no longer knew who I was, and the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I couldn't be married to Cat anymore.

I was glad —then—, that by the time we signed the divorce, the clinic still had not confirmed the appointment. At least that is what I thought.

When I came back to Los Angeles, seven months later, I settled in a small apartment by the sea. One afternoon, I was walking by the boulevard when I saw a familiar figure by a juice stand. She had her back towards me, but I knew it was her.

Cat hasn't colored her hair in over two years, but those beautiful and wavy locks are such a trademark, I could never mistake her with someone else.

I felt compelled to approach her and say hi… but, as I was about to cross the street, she turn on her side.

I was mute, frozen… Completely unable to process what I'd seen.

That tiny figure was so big round the middle. Her belly… she was pregnant, very, very pregnant. I felt my heart sinking to the ground and then some. Above anything else, she looked so happy.

She talked to her tummy caressing it slowly, then she sipped her juice and kept talking, as if she was asking the baby if _he or she_ liked the taste. She looked amazingly beautiful, glowing, sweet, loving, she was… all that I was missing so much.

Not to long after that, she stopped a cab and left.

I had my suspicions, so I did the math. It had been seven months and she looked like she was about to explode, which only meant she got pregnant when we were together.

Why didn't she tell me? When did it happen? How?

Just one answer spun in my head and the only way to find out was to talk to her, ask her face to face. But how? With what right? I'd lost that a long time ago.

I struggled with this news for three whole days before I decided to do something about it. I needed to know, and my only hope was Jade.

I arrived at her house around nine in the morning and asked the security man if she was inside. He rang and told her I was waiting, a few minutes later she came out to find me by the door and let me in, only to avoid talking in the street.

"You have nothing to do here, Tori. Cat is not home," she angrily said to me without a hello.

"Is it mine?" I asked in the same way, but her face told me she didn't understand me. "The baby… Is it mine?"

She looked even more angry and baffled.

"Did you magically grew a penis and turned back time to impregnate Cat? Of course is not yours!"

"You know what I mean, Jade!"

"No, it is not. The baby is only Cat's. Now get out, Vega."

"I want to talk to her…" I asked, sounding more like a demand.

"Oh, you want to… Great!", her sarcasm floated all around. "What you want is not my problem nor Cat's. For the past eight months she's been fine, perfectly fine in fact, and you are not going to come to change that. Do you understand?"

She confirmed my hunch not even realizing it, but how could she. Jade wasn't counting the time since the divorce like I was, seven months, four days and a few hours. But, of course, she knew exactly how much time Cat's been pregnant, eight months; we were still together when it happened.

"Get out, Vega! I don't want to see you here again," she warned me and stated walking towards her house, ordering the guard to escort me out of her property.

Another couple of days passed by, I grew more confused, scared to find out what I already knew in my heart was the truth. The baby we planned together, the one I couldn't carry, was on it's way… and I had turned my back to both of them.

A feeling of emptiness and insecurity filled every inch of my bones. How could've been so blind, so stupid?

I've had the worst year, mostly because I haven't been with her. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I needed to see her, only if it was for her to ask me to leave and never come back.

I went by Jade's house again, asked the nice man to tell Cat I was there and it was urgent. He told me in a hurry that she left for the hospital the night before. She was in labor and probably had given birth already.

I knew exactly where to go.

When we started thinking of getting pregnant, Cat made sure to get the best medical care. She said that she wasn't going to take any risks with us and quickly signed us into the best package available.

I got in my car and drove to the most renowned hospital in Los Angeles. Upon arriving I went straight to the information booth.

"I'm here to see Cat Vega…" I said, realizing my mistake. "Sorry, Cat Valentine," I corrected myself, I was so used to her name mixed with mine, it just came out.

"Miss Valentine is in the 5th floor, room 508." The nice lady told me and I thanked her, making my way to the elevator.

The way up was nerve-wracking. What was I doing there? Jade was right, I had not been there for the whole process, it wasn't my baby…

The doors opened and I breathed deep before exiting. My body stated tingling, my jaw was shaking, my breathing was inconsistent.

"Room 508?" I asked a nurse that walked by.

"Miss Valentine is resting now, but you can see the babies on the maternity ward."

 _Babies?_ I thought to myself, shocked.

She laughed at my face and guided me to the display…

There they were.

Jade and Ruby Valentine, I guessed Robbie had been around.

Both girls, they were beautiful… No, that's an understatement, gorgeous, dazzling, ravishing, hypnotizing, all of those.

One of them was yawning, and as she came down from it, she placed her minuscule hand right on top of her sister, who didn't even move. She couldn't care less, she must have been used to that and more on the belly… on Cat's belly.

I was mesmerized looking at them, I must have had the hugest smile on my face.

"I'll give you ten minutes to memorize their faces and then you can walk out of here and never set a foot near them again," Jade told me, standing by my right, also looking through the glass.

I couldn't help to close my eyes and let my tears fall. Truth is, I felt I had no place there, yet I couldn't force myself to leave.

"They are so beautiful…" she exhaled, she was also in love. Who could not?

"They are tiny Cats…"

"Hmm", she snorted. "She still loves you, you know?"

I still loved her.

"What are you doing here, Tori?" She honestly asked me for an answer. "You know I have to look out for them now. What do you want?"

The fact that I had no idea was the worst feeling in the world. In a few days my whole world changed and I didn't know what I wanted, what I should do, not a clue.

"I don't know," I whispered.

"Then leave and don't come back until you do, because if you turn your back again, you won't be breaking one heart, you'll break three."

That was a fact. I was so afraid I could mess everything up again, not that I wanted to, but it is a possibility.

Jade got called to Cat's room and as she turn her back to me, I made my disappearing act. Turning the corner I stopped, I could still hear Jade's voice down the corridor.

"Who were you talking to?" Cat asked her from inside her room.

"No one…"

I left the hospital, quickly getting into my car and drove for hours, finally stopping at a mall. I had no idea what I was doing there, until I realized I was walking to one of Cat's favorite retro stores.

When we first started planning our family, she would fly by years. Picture our kids in school, in high school, in college. She always had crazy ideas about what we would do when a situation came along.

We were right at that store, when she said to me that she didn't want our kids to go to preschool with those fabric lunch boxes. She wanted them to have those metallic ones, like when we were little. She even decided which ones she would get them. A Autobots lunchbox for our son, and a Decepticons for our daughter, otherwise Jade would never let her hear the end of it.

I saw through the showcase and there they were. Many designs, many colors, and only two with Transformers on them, one with Autobots and the other with Decepticons.

It was as if the destiny was calling, as it was yelling to me to go back to the hospital, that I knew what to do and that was to get Cat back.

Of course, this is not a fairytale.

I knocked on the door of her room, lunch boxes in hand and her tired voice answered me to come in.

I walked slowly, nervously, dying of shame and anxiety.

"Hey!"

She turned to Jade, then back to me, back to Jade, who finally nodded and confirmed she wasn't imagining things. I tried to smile, but I didn't know if I made it.

"I…", I took a deep breath before continuing, she looked so hurt still. "I wanted to… congratulate you and to… give you these."

She drew a soft smile on her face as I left them on top of the table.

"You really have no idea of like… life! They are hours old, what the fuck goes through your head, Vega? Lunch boxes?" Jade profusely protested. Cat laughed, that was something only she and I would understand. It meant business, it meant I also thought of the future, it meant I remember us and what we both wanted, it meant that… if she had me… I was in.

"Jade, can you please leave us alone for a bit?"

"Fine, but…" She didn't finish her sentence, she just left and closed the door.

"So… you heard."

"I saw… I saw you from afar the other day."

She clearly didn't know what to say, she kept looking at my gifts, wondering. This was too much. I was sure she had gotten over me, she didn't need me back… she didn't trust me.

"It's not that easy and you know it," she said, finally getting to the point.

"I'm well aware… still," I found it hard not to ask why she never said anything, why she hid all of this from me.

"I realized… I was in it alone." That was her whole answer, a valid one, a hurting one.

"I certainly wasn't ready then."

"Nor now…"

"Cat…"

"Look Tori, I no longer think for one. I have them." That hurt even more. "They are my priority, now and forever, and I… I can't…"

"I get it," I said, my inverted smile was tangible, I felt it marking my face.

Of course it wasn't going to be easy. I knew that. You don't just get divorced and come right back to the life you wanted two years ago, like if no time had passed, as if every bit of pain could be fixed with a magical kiss.

"I'm sorry," she whispered with sorrow. But I couldn't fight her decision, she was right, they mattered more than anything and anyone.

"They are so beautiful, Cat. I wish you three the best life you can ever have," I swallowed my pain, my tears stuck in the surface of my eyes. I turned back and grabbed the handled of the door.

"Wait!"

I slowly looked back, sobbing a little. Then I felt someone pushing the door to get inside the room. It was a nurse. I stepped back and let her in. She was pushing the incubator, it was time for the babies to eat.

I felt so out of place, I wanted to run away, push myself into a corner and cry all my frustration away.

I did that. I destroyed all my dreams with my selfishness, with my impotence. I hurt the love of my life and left her alone when she needed me the most.

"Tori, do you want to hold them?"

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to, but should I?

"Here," the nurse handed me one of them and placed her in my arms. "Hold her head steady and relax."

I had never held such a small human before. She weighted nothing, it was like holding a feather. She smelled so good, and complained a little, twerking her body.

"That's Jade and this is Ruby," Cat told me, carrying her. "You can tell because Jade has a small mole in her right forearm, just like… Jade and her tattoo."

I smiled, I didn't want to laugh and maybe bother the little one in my arms.

They were so minuscule that Jade's shirt was getting in her face. I pulled it down with one of my hands and felt how her small fingers grabbed my pinky. Her whole hand wrapped around the first segment of my little finger.

I sighed and felt my tears running. Why the hell wasn't this okay then? Why didn't I think this was the best idea in the world? They are perfect…

"I'm not saying no…" I heard Cat say, once the nurse left the room. "But it will take time, a long time."

I felt my smile coming back to my face. There was hope.

"Okay," I sighed and she returned a smile as well.

I can do slow, I can win them over, I know I can. For now, this is all I need… a fighting chance.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

So, I know I said a week, but… I couldn't wait. Yesterday, I had most of the chapter written, I was only debating the end with myself.

If I had published it yesterday, it could've been a sad ending, not that this one is very happy but, considering… I think it is.

I hope you like the story. Thank you for reading and also _Invader Johnny_ and _Lushcoltrane_ , for your reviews.

See you soon. Bye!


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